I have a wonderful group of friends, and about 20 of them currently meet with me on Tuesday mornings for a Bible Study. We happen to be studying Lisa Bevere’s “Girls with Swords” (yes I will shamelessly give her a plug for a fantastic message in this study of the word and how to wield it in this life!). At the onset of my current condition they prayed for me and one of them repeated the word “rest.” If you know me, you know I don’t rest well. I have a husband, two children at home on swim team, a house to run and ministry in its various capacities, my mom just flipped and house for herself to move into and I was there for her with that, and somehow I try to squeeze in time with friends (yes, friends, I know you feel neglected and I’m sorry…..). Resting happens from 11pm to 7am.
I got a cortisone shot in my shoulder, which seemed to be helping, so I kept plugging along with all my “responsibilities” including being at a swim meet until midnight thanks to a storm delay. But by Saturday night I was back in excruciating pain again (see blog entitled Half Way Free) only this time it would keep me flat and in traction for days…. To get up meant agonizing charlie horse pain in my upper back and arm muscles. A nauseating trip to the ortho doc (because the pain was that intense to be upright that long) revealed shoulder is fine… it’s my already challenged neck rising up again screaming for attention. Sooooo, next week I see a neck specialist again. Until then, prednisone, oxycontin and traction machine. My upright position has to be with head bent over as far as it can go looking at the floor. I have brief times of looking straight ahead, but only about 60 seconds before the spams start again.
So, is the blog just a way to complain to the masses? No. I refuse to let satan have a victory here. He certainly attempted to at one point when I was sitting indian style with my head over on the floor trying to relieve the agony. I distinctly heard him tell me, “Look at yourself curled up into a ball on the floor. What good are you there? Just pitiful.” For a brief second I felt self pity. I thought, yeah I know…. I should be up and free, hands raised worshipping my King Jesus. Yes… this is rather pitiful…. what if…….
Then the Fire of God rose up in me and I told that scoundrel that I was a daughter of the Most High King and I am NOT pitiful. I will let this "condition" be my "bowed position" for now in honor and worship of my God. He is FOR me, not against me and He is working on my behalf. My healing is coming! I may be forced to rest for a while, and only God will determine how long that will be. When I am upright with my head bent over, I am bowing to Jesus, not feeling pathetic. When I am reclined in traction, I am listening to people filled with the Holy Spirit online to encourage, educate, and inspire my soul and spirit. I was told I needed rest that day in prayer, so rest I shall in the presence of God. He will saturate me with His Spirit and tend to my deepest needs. Some of which I have found not to be physical at all, but things I needed to hear and allow to really sink deep to change me on the inside. I have also been praying for others who are struggling with affliction. Personal pain can strengthen your prayers for others if you let it.
As a worship leader and songwriter, I am hoping to get through all this without surgery on my ruptured disc. I’ve read a lot of patient stories of how their voice was damaged. But as a daughter of the King I have to trust that if He brings me to it, He will see me through it.
I you are struggling in any capacity, you will need to choose who you let have the victory. You can feel pitiful or you can reach for God and let Him have the glory. I choose God.
As an aside: I would personally like my next "rest" to be somewhere tropical with mild weather and beautiful blue waters.